Shopping for Sweatpants

Me, ever so sensuously modeling "Jesus" sweatpants.

I posted this picture a couple of weeks ago on Twitter with the caption, “You can keep your reindeer sweaters. These sweatpants recall what the season TRULY is about.”  I feel I now ought to elaborate on where and when these blessed pants fell into my praising, prayerful hands.  I did not find them in a shop that also sells “Jesus is my homeboy” hoodies.  Rather, I found them in the official shop of Oxford University.

During my last week studying abroad in Oxford, I casually waltzed into the store with the intention of purchasing some memorabilia that would cause onlookers to think “Wow, that person is smarter than me.” 

(Note: I am a poser who studied IN Oxford, but not AT Oxford University.)

But, you see, Oxford University is made up of many separate colleges, and in this shop you can buy college-specific apparel, not just generic tourist swag.  My eyes first gravitated towards the “Christ Church” sweatpants, representative, of course, of Christ Church College.  I wanted them because 1. Harry Potter was filmed at Christ Church and 2.  Christ Church is a really good school.  I imagined running out the door in my new prized sweatpants and pretending to be a world-class rower on my way from practice to class, and people on the streets admiring me whilst tearfully recalling their own Christ Church rejection letters.  But then I thought better of the purchase.  I realized that unknowing Americans would think I was publicizing some church… and I just couldn’t have that. 

But then I saw sweatpants with  “New” written up one leg.  Oh the glory of the joke therein!  If I dropped the requisite 25 quid, they could be my new “New” sweatpants from New College!  And ah, the beautiful irony when the “New” sweatpants were no longer new, and I had OLD “New” sweatpants!  Oh, how I dreamt of the potential hours I might spend lounging about, alone in my apartment, giggling over my “New” sweatpants.

Then came the “Jesus” sweatpants from Jesus College.  You can tell I got a kick out of those—hence the photograph.  I almost bought them.  But then…

From the excellently reputed University College came “University” sweatpants.  How smashingly vague!  I wanted them immediately.  “Look fellow passengers on this aircraft, or fellow runners in the park.  Here are my sweatpants.  From my university… University.  I wear them because I am so proud of the… university… where I study.” 

I was in the Oxford University shop for probably fifteen minutes, but in those fifteen minutes I saw comedy gold.  I decided I should probably not spend 25 quid on a gag gift for myself (stingy bastard), but at least I have this picture.  And a picture is worth one thousand words.  Though apparently one thousand words were not enough… because I just blogged 500 more.