Paranoia

This parrot gets me.

I don’t leave my house without an ID card for one reason:  If I die a horribly violent death and am maimed beyond recognition, I want the authorities to be able to identify my body.

Paranoia is a huge part of our lives.  Just admit it!  We all are convinced we’ve been stalked or at least followed at some point in our lives.  If you’re like me, it doesn’t matter if you live in a community where the most common crime is jaywalking.  Late at night, when you’re home alone, that lone car cruising down your quaint suburban street is driven by a MURDERER. 

We like to think we’ve matured since the days of peeking inside our closets before climbing into bed.  We know, deep down, that if we let our arm dangle over the side of the mattress, it probably won’t be grabbed/chopped/eaten in the middle of the night.  And if we’re honest with ourselves, we know that there are real dangers and tragedies in the world that are actually worth being concerned about.  BUT IT’S HARD TO BE HONEST WITH OURSELVES.  There are scary shows like “Pretty Little Liars” on ABC Family that make it very easy for us to think that all the neighbors, roommates, and fedora-wearing creepers of the world are together plotting to kill us.

Someone out there is probably going to murder you.  It is now, in this cold and competitive world, that we should be the most vigilant. My own sister was almost killed earlier this week.  Here to tell you about it herself, I present to you…. Guest-blogger JENNY!

Jenny:  “I narrowly avoided a gruesome death this week. I had just gotten out of the shower - I was rinsing my head of olive oil, a terrific home remedy for dry hair! - when I heard a knock on the door. That's right, a knock on the door!! I don't know anybody. Well, I know some people, but no one who would come over unexpectedly in the evening without calling first. Clearly it was a murderer! I panicked and immediately took stock of the situation. First of all, I was naked. Awkward! I don't want to be murdered naked! Second of all, I didn't have any music or TV on. Great! The murderer would not hear anything and come in to murder me. Also, my bathroom and my bedroom have locks, so I could hide in there if need be. Or, I could go get a knife and nakedly stab the murderer if he came in. (Unfortunately, my door was completely unlocked, despite the fact I have three locks to keep me safe from these very situations.) I finally decided to stand frozen in terror, then go sit on the couch staring at the door. Eventually I felt safe enough to get up and lock the door.

However, this killer was persistent! The next day, I came home from work to find my television on! I went into Sydney Bristow spy-mode and wandered around the apartment, looking in every nook and cranny. Then, when I had calmed enough to climb into bed and surf the web, my landline rang! No one had this number. I only got the landline because a bundle with my Internet and TV was cheaper with phone than without. WTF! MURDERER!!!! Obviously death was imminent. I put my affairs in order, aka called my mom and told her a killer was after me. Then I took a nap.

The killer has not come back... yet. I have installed a new security system in my apartment, though. And by that I mean, I now lock my door the second I come in.

Some people might say that the remote for my television was facing my TV on the coffee table and that my cat, George, could have easily stepped on it and turned the television on. Some might also say that according to my Cox Communications website, a voicemail came in around the time of the mysterious phone call telling me some bla thing about my Cox account. Some might say that the person at the door was someone selling papers or Girl Scout cookies. To those people I say, SCREW YOU! IT WAS A MURDERER! I am a survivor. I'm gonna make it. I will survive. Keep on survivin'.”

Thanks for that, Jenny!!  I’m promptly going to seek out your landline phone number and publish it on the Internet for everyone to call at odd times of night.  In the meantime, stay safe guys.  There are some pretty crackers people out there.