The 7 Things I Would Do if I Were Really Famous

Once when I was in high school, a gawky theatre kid in a cape told me that when she became famous, her imaginary Star Trek-themed home would be featured on “Cribs.”  I was already a hardened and cynical youth who didn’t hold stock in dreams, so I judged her pretty harshly.  I believed—and I still believe—that no one’s goal in life should simply be to become a star.  People should aspire to be the best in their field, and then maybe, with hard work and good luck, they will become famous.

But here’s the thing: I am never going to be a star, despite all my skills, like being able to eat a basket of tortilla chips in under 35 seconds.  Fame is not something I’m actively pursuing.  But why not fantasize about it?  What if Brangelina adopted me?  What if I was scouted to be a not-quite-plus-sized model?  So here they are,

THE 7 THINGS I WOULD DO IF I WERE REALLY FAMOUS:

1.  Change my name

I’ve always loved my name, but recently, as I was checking my email on my phone, “ahalligan” autocorrected to “phallic.”  It was deeply disturbing, and I now plan on changing my last name to “O’Brien,” so that people will mistake me for Conan’s younger, significantly tanner sister.  (I then plan on exploiting the heck out of that connection.)

2.  Date a famous person

…who used to date Taylor Swift.  Then maybe she would write a song about me!

“I thought that we would marry someday

But some dirty bloggin’ annamal just swept you away…”

It would be super catchy, and I could bop to it while driving.

3.  Endorse a product

Something useful, like recyclable plastic cutlery.  In the commercials I would be wearing all white, laughing, and spinning around in slow motion, to show just how much fun recyclable plastic cutlery can be.

4.  Release a clothing line

…inspired by manatees.  It would be called “Hugh Manatee,” and a portion of the proceeds would go to saving the cows of the sea.

5.  Appear in a fashion magazine

This one is absolutely vital.  I want to either A) Look super badass holding a guitar that I don’t know how to play, or B) Sit in an English garden surrounded by fuzzy animals.  The final decision is up to my publicist.

6.  Make a cameo in a movie

This would be done only as a personal favor for my good friend Will Ferrell.  I’d be visiting him on set, and he’d be like, “Pleeeease play my ex-wife’s younger lesbian girlfriend spotted at the bowling alley?”  And I’d be like, “Okayyyy.”

7.   Create a perfume

It would be called “Midnight Binge,” in honor of my late night trips to the pantry, and it would smell like Ryan Gosling on a spring morning.  The ad would show me seductively eating a pudding cup while using my own belly as a plate.  “Midnight Binge” would be particularly popular with crazy cat ladies and ironic teens.

I know it says "Face in Hole.com," but this picture is actually totally real.

At the end of all of this, I would write an epic autobiography that would be mostly true, but perhaps a bit too personally flattering.  In it, I would say things like, “My greatest flaw is that I care too much,” and reviews would call it “Quirky… yet condescending.”  I would feel pretty bad about it, but it wouldn’t matter, because Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriend would love me anyway.  Then, we would buy a Star Trek-themed home together and have it featured on “Cribs.”

PS:  Congratulations to Fannamal Anna Territo, the lucky WINNER of the Annamal Crackers Annaversary Giveaway!!  She will be receiving her $25 gift card and personalized box of animal crackers in the mail.  Thank you to everyone else who participated!

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