Calling myself a "child actor" would be kind of like calling myself a "young philanthropist" just because I participated in Girl Scouts, and yet, I did take a half-hearted swing at stardom at a very young age.
I grew up in LA with actors for parents, so some of my earliest memories are from my dad's agent's office, where I ate Red Vines and mint-flavored coffee stirrers by the dozen. I must have looked pretty cute chowing down beneath the coffee table, because my dad's agent started sending the entire family out on auditions.
My memories from that time are foggy, but I remember that at most auditions, I just had to say my name and age and try to look particularly adorable. On one occasion, I was told to pretend to be in the backseat of a car, bickering with my sister over a bumblebee hand puppet. They told me to "act natural," but that didn't mean anything to me, because I was a five-year-old with a bumblebee for a hand. My only instinct was to attack my sister.
I'd like to tell you that I was a natural born star, charming casting directors and landing major roles, but such was not the case. The next thing I auditioned for was an electric razor commercial. My job was to climb onto my dad's lap, feel how smooth his face was, and give him a kiss. But strangely, for no apparent reason, I thought I had to sit on his lap and SHAVE HIS FACE with the buzzing electronic contraption. There, in a room full of strangers with a video camera, I became convinced that I would accidentally slit my father's throat. I started sobbing. We did not get the job.
Next up was an audition for a Barbie commercial. I went in with one other person, a seven-year-old girl named "Charlene." "Act natural!" the casting people told us. "Forget the rules, it's Barbie," I read in what I imagined was a conversational, semi-upbeat tone. Charlene put her hands on her hips and strutted across the room like the world was her runway. "For-get-the-rules," she chanted, sounding like a cheerleader on uppers, "IT'S BARBIE!!!!" she threw her hands in the air and leapt with joy. I made gagging noises. I think she got the job.
No one was very impressed by my abilities, and I was quickly growing older, taller, and seemingly less marketable, so I only went on a few more auditions over the years. During one, I had to imagine a cardboard box was a dog named "Rover," and train it to roll over. I flopped down on the ground, threw my legs up in the air, and began rolling around, going, "Roll over, Rover, like this!" They commended me for my... creativity.
I finally stopped going out on auditions in middle school, when directors started expecting me to have some training or skill. My sister dragged me to one last cattle call, though, where we read a scene from a movie. The lady I auditioned for told me I needed to take more acting classes, but that I had "a good look," so I was called back. The movie was called Catch That Kid. The role eventually went to a little girl named Kristen Stewart.
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| It's too bad. I would've liked to be friends with Corbin Bleu. |
And thus, I was not destined for child stardom, I'm not rolling in commercial residuals, and I didn't grow up to play Bella Swan in Twilight. But Kristen Stewart doesn't have a sweet blog with a huge following in Russia, so we're pretty much even. Child acting just wasn't my thing.
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