GOSLING: It's What You Do

Fun fact:  A gosling is a baby goose.

Even More Fun Fact:  A gosling is also a shmexy actor-man named after a baby goose.

And according to the interwebs, "Gosling" is also a family name of English origin.  It's derived from the Germanic given name Gozzelin, which means "little God."  As in... Ryan Godling.  If you google it, you'll find that this, apparently, is the Gosling Arms:

But that just goes to show that you can’t believe everything you read online anymore, because I happen to know for a FACT that THESE are the Gosling Arms:

Hi arms

"What??" you're asking yourself.  "This blog post doesn't even have any writing in it!  What the hell is this?"  

I get it.  That's fair.  Maybe you just came here to read, and for all I know, you might not be attracted to men.  (Looking at these photos will be a good test!)  I ought to explain myself.

There are three main reasons for this blog post:

1. I could potentially be the next Mrs. Gosling, so I should know all about goslings.
2. I haven't been sleeping much and am kind of losing my shit; looking at photos of Ryan Gosling is therapeutic for me.  And--
3. I majored in English Literature in college and genuinely like words, names, and meanings.  I was taught that most words ending in "-ing" are verbs, and am therefore absolutely convinced that "gosling" must be a verb, too.  As in, I've been gosling a lot lately.  I really like to gosle.  Last night, Ryan and I gosled all night long.

So I ask you:  IS gosling a verb?  And if so, can I do it?

Potential definitions for GOSLING:

gosling [goz-ling]

verb

: giggling in the cutest possible way

Example Sentence:  “I made a joke and saw Ryan gosling!"

gosling [goz-ling]

verb

: earnestly pronouncing one's own name

Example Sentence:  “Look at Ryan gosling as a little boy!"

gosling [goz-ling]

verb

: utilizing the slow single blink as a classic tool of seduction

Example Sentence:  “I saw Ryan gosling and blacked out for several seconds.  Now I cannot find my clothes."

gosling [goz-ling]

verb

: showcasing the family jewels

Example Sentence:  “This should be uncomfortable, but instead it's just Ryan gosling."

gosling [goz-ling]

verb

: turning women into creepy cougars

Example Sentence:  “I'm kind of afraid I'm a pervert, but it might just be Ryan gosling."

gosling [goz-ling]

verb

: defending one’s right to be a hipster

 Example Sentence:  "I heard Ryan gosling; turns out he really dislikes mainstream  bands."

gosling [goz-ling]

verb

: inviting others to objectify and possibly molest you… but in a sexy, consensual     way.

Example Sentence:  "How could I resist Ryan gosling?"

gosling [goz-ling]

verb

: congratulating someone on their somewhat gratuitous compilation of Ryan     Gosling GIFs

Example Sentence:  "It may have just been Ryan gosling, but I think he really enjoyed this blog post."

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Lifestyle Blogging: An Easy, How-To Guide!!

I’ve been surfing the web a lot lately, and I’ve discovered a wonderful new source of inspiration: LIFESTYLE BLOGS!!!  They’re not fashion blogs.  They’re not travel blogs.  They don’t specialize in comedy, politics, or food.  Truth be told, they don’t really specialize in anything—except telling you how to live your life!

Which begs the question: Do YOU have what it takes to be a lifestyle blogger?!?  Because it could be SO MUCH FUN!!!

Ask yourself:

1.     Am I alive?

2.     Do I have at least one working finger, allowing me to type?

3.     Do I have Internet access?

If you answered “Yes” to all three questions, CONGRATULATIONS!  You are 100% qualified to start a lifestyle blog that tells other people how to live their lives.  Think that sounds presumptuous and egotistical?  Think no one really cares what you have to say?  THINK AGAIN. 

You’re about to enlighten people with completely important, original ideas they could NEVER have dreamt up on their own.  For example, if it weren’t for lifestyle blogs, I would never have heard of such things as “green tea” or “springtime.”  I would never have learned how to spend the perfect rainy day (movies and hot chocolate) and I’d have NO IDEA who Ryan Gosling is!!  

 Scared to get started?  DON’T BE!!  :-)  Just go on Pinterest and see what girls are into these days.  Maybe pick a quote by an author you’ve never heard of and ramble about whatever it inspires.  Dish out some juicy metaphors and have FUN! 

…Still struggling?!?  Don’t worry!  Your best gal-pal Annamal is here to make this even easier for you.  Here’s the basic outline for a blog post.  Follow it, and you’ll be a lifestyle guru in no time.

1. Introduce your subject!  Throw in some questions to really engage your audience.  You want them to know that you’re their buddy!  Here’s an example:

My newest obsession is daisies!!!!  Have you guys heard of them?!?  Aside from being so cheerful, bright, and beautiful, they come in tons of glorious hues, and they symbolize new growth!!!

2.  Find a way to relate this back to your life, to make your post meaningful and potent and deep!

I’m so glad that daisies remind me of new growth, because right now, my life is FILLED with new beginnings!!  I’m getting ready to graduate from college, so this is a scary but exciting time for me!!! 

3.  Now begin imparting your infinite wisdom to the lesser vessels reading your blog!

Are you, too, facing changes in your life?  What are you ready to begin?  Challenge yourself to a fresh new lifestyle… as fresh as a daisy, bursting into bloom!!!  LOL!

4.  If you haven’t already, now throw in an inspirational quote superimposed on a pretty picture!  Honestly, the quote doesn’t even have to relate to what you’ve been talking about.  Just having it there will show what an artistic and inspiring human you are, in touch with your reader’s needs.

I don't know where 'somplace' is, but I guess I should go

5.  Keep giving your readers random bits of advice before finding some finagled way to relate it all back to your original idea.

Take on a new goal this spring.  Eat more kale.  Go on long walks.  Take time to meditate daily!  If you dwell on what you’re grateful for, be it your family, Jesus, Greek life, or something else, you will be FILLED with JOY and HAPPINESS and you, like a daisy, will brighten any room!!!  

Good luck, future bloggers!!!  Start spreading inspiration!!  And always remember:  LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE!!!!!!  <3

PS:  Annamal Crackers is now on Pinterest!  Help spread the word by pinning your favorite pics and posts:  http://pinterest.com/annamalblog/ 

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The 7 Things I Would Do if I Were Really Famous

Once when I was in high school, a gawky theatre kid in a cape told me that when she became famous, her imaginary Star Trek-themed home would be featured on “Cribs.”  I was already a hardened and cynical youth who didn’t hold stock in dreams, so I judged her pretty harshly.  I believed—and I still believe—that no one’s goal in life should simply be to become a star.  People should aspire to be the best in their field, and then maybe, with hard work and good luck, they will become famous.

But here’s the thing: I am never going to be a star, despite all my skills, like being able to eat a basket of tortilla chips in under 35 seconds.  Fame is not something I’m actively pursuing.  But why not fantasize about it?  What if Brangelina adopted me?  What if I was scouted to be a not-quite-plus-sized model?  So here they are,

THE 7 THINGS I WOULD DO IF I WERE REALLY FAMOUS:

1.  Change my name

I’ve always loved my name, but recently, as I was checking my email on my phone, “ahalligan” autocorrected to “phallic.”  It was deeply disturbing, and I now plan on changing my last name to “O’Brien,” so that people will mistake me for Conan’s younger, significantly tanner sister.  (I then plan on exploiting the heck out of that connection.)

2.  Date a famous person

…who used to date Taylor Swift.  Then maybe she would write a song about me!

“I thought that we would marry someday

But some dirty bloggin’ annamal just swept you away…”

It would be super catchy, and I could bop to it while driving.

3.  Endorse a product

Something useful, like recyclable plastic cutlery.  In the commercials I would be wearing all white, laughing, and spinning around in slow motion, to show just how much fun recyclable plastic cutlery can be.

4.  Release a clothing line

…inspired by manatees.  It would be called “Hugh Manatee,” and a portion of the proceeds would go to saving the cows of the sea.

5.  Appear in a fashion magazine

This one is absolutely vital.  I want to either A) Look super badass holding a guitar that I don’t know how to play, or B) Sit in an English garden surrounded by fuzzy animals.  The final decision is up to my publicist.

6.  Make a cameo in a movie

This would be done only as a personal favor for my good friend Will Ferrell.  I’d be visiting him on set, and he’d be like, “Pleeeease play my ex-wife’s younger lesbian girlfriend spotted at the bowling alley?”  And I’d be like, “Okayyyy.”

7.   Create a perfume

It would be called “Midnight Binge,” in honor of my late night trips to the pantry, and it would smell like Ryan Gosling on a spring morning.  The ad would show me seductively eating a pudding cup while using my own belly as a plate.  “Midnight Binge” would be particularly popular with crazy cat ladies and ironic teens.

I know it says "Face in Hole.com," but this picture is actually totally real.

At the end of all of this, I would write an epic autobiography that would be mostly true, but perhaps a bit too personally flattering.  In it, I would say things like, “My greatest flaw is that I care too much,” and reviews would call it “Quirky… yet condescending.”  I would feel pretty bad about it, but it wouldn’t matter, because Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriend would love me anyway.  Then, we would buy a Star Trek-themed home together and have it featured on “Cribs.”

PS:  Congratulations to Fannamal Anna Territo, the lucky WINNER of the Annamal Crackers Annaversary Giveaway!!  She will be receiving her $25 gift card and personalized box of animal crackers in the mail.  Thank you to everyone else who participated!

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