My Own Worst Frenemy

This is not going to be some condescending blog post where I chastise girls for being catty to one other.  I’m not going to sit here and be like, “Hey girls, what’s up with you being mean to each another?  Let’s celebrate our womanhood!”  First of all, you know girls can be bitchy.  I know girls can be bitchy.  And we’re all on the same page about “frenemies.”

I first became aware of the term “frenemy” in the early days of frozen yogurt, when Paris Hilton was still famous and the soundtrack to my life was “Music from The O.C. Mix 1.”  Frenemies are manipulative, competitive, passive-aggressive poison that we, for whatever reason, voluntarily chat with over salad lunches.  We listen as they make subtly nasty remarks on our love lives, haircuts, and workout regimens, and then we gossip about them to our other friends, who tell us, “They’re just jealous.”  

And it's true!  They ARE just jealous!  I know this, because I used to be a competetive, passive-aggressive frenemy, and it was always inevitably because of some horribly unjustified jealousy.

In second grade, my friend Lena and I would argue over which one of us loved animals more.  We competed to see who could buy the most kitten sticker books, subscribe to the most wildlife magazines, and draw the most accurate representations of lemurs.  We had daily in-class writing assignments, which we somehow got away with writing exclusively about animals.  The question would be, "What's your favorite food?"  And I'd respond, "I like dessert.  Horses also like sugar.  So do hummingbirds.  I like animals."  After a certain point, the things I wrote weren't even true anymore.  I just had this weird, desperate need to prove to Lena that I loved animals just as much as she did.  If Lena stopped eating meat, I'd (pretend to) stop eating meat, too.  And then I'd march over to the library to check out Puppies in the Pantry for the umpteenth time.

I drew this Lemur.

It was seemingly innocent, but in retrospect, I see that Lena was my first frenemy.  Later in life, she became a vegan and flew to Africa to become a surrogate mother to endangered baby monkeys.  I don't think it was ever a competition for her.  I think she just genuinely loved animals.  She won. 

Fourth through seventh grade were marked by conversations like this one:

FRIEND:  Why are you hanging out with that weird new girl?

ANNA:  Maybe because she's a better friend than you!!

Then, in eighth grade, I met Lexxi.  She might have spelled her name like a porn star, but she excelled in everything that was important to a thirteen-year-old.  She was super outdoorsy and athletic, had stunningly long, blonde hair, and she actually knew how to make eye contact with boys.  Lexxi and I sat next to each other in class, and every day we would stealthily pass notes to each other that said things like, "I LUV U!!!" and "ANNA <3s LEXXI!"

Nevertheless, most of our conversations went something like this:

LEXXI:  Anna, everyone says your bangs are weird and curly, but I think you look fine.

ANNA:  Thanks, Lex!  Tell me--is your hair wet?  Or is that gel?

LEXXI:  It's gel.  I know you like frizzy hair, but I don't.

ANNA:  My hair's just really, really thick.  You wouldn't understand.

Fortunately, I outgrew this competitive, passive-aggressive streak.  Either that, or the horror of high school just trained me into passive, non-confrontational submission.  My high school was like a massive, menacing, reality weight-loss competition that the popular kids always won.  Like at most large public schools in Southern California, mean, manipulative girls dominated the social sphere, and Disney Channel stars experimented with drugs in the bathroom.  If I had a nickel for every time someone made fun of my weight or concocted a nasty rumor about me, I'd have, like... a couple of dollars.  I primarily survived through chameleon-esque anonymity and a tendency to disappear at lunchtime.  I have now reached the point where I would rather harbor a secret resentment for someone for the rest of my life than actually talk to them about an issue or make passive-aggressive remarks.  It's definitely super productive and healthy.

Nevertheless, I do still say snotty things to my roommates about their terrible taste in television (sorry).  I also have a tendency to fake-hug the people I run into from high school--even the ones who didn't like me because I was "too happy."  But I try not to be a jerk, and I try to be a kind, supportive friend, because the truth is, I genuinely love the people in my life.

...Except for Lexxi.  She's married now.  She probably just wanted to be the first one to do it.  In fact, she probably got married just to personally spite me.  Maybe she was pregnant. 

Just kidding.  I'm a lovely person.

Just kidding.  "Lexxi" really does sound like a porn star name.

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