Cast Me as the Best Friend in the Movie of Your Life

You know how in that movie ‘The Holiday,’ the little old man tells Kate Winslet that she should be the leading lady of her own life?  And she’s all like, “YEAHHH!!  I should!!”

That always hit home for me a little bit, maybe because I don’t think of myself as the leading lady in my own life.  And that’s not depressing for me.  Because I happen to think of myself as a very good supporting character in everyone else’s life.

Which is why I think I should be cast as the best friend in the movie of your life.

A movie best friend is a very specific type, and being that type has both its pitfalls and its perks.  A movie best friend should be less attractive than the leading lady, but should still not be painful to look at for a few hours.  She should be the kind of girl men describe as “cool,” and “funny” versus “hot” or “sexy.”  Guys in bars should playfully punch her on the arm and say, “You’re a real cool girl, you know that?” before turning to buy someone else a drink.

Because a movie best friend should never have an exciting love life of her own.  If your movie is about a 20-something working woman in search of her one true love, you need a best friend who has an untiring ability to listen to you whine.  And when eventually you need her advice, and ask her, “Should I marry Rupert, the dashing British doctor, or Todd, the funny photographer who saved my cat’s life,” she will comfort you in your troubles and not throw a glass of red wine in your face.

That’s the part I’m less excited about.  I can’t promise that I’ll never throw wine in your face, and I might even send you some passive-aggressive text messages if you complain too much.  But a movie best friend gets to do a lot of fun stuff, too, that I think I’d really enjoy.  While you, the leading lady, probably have a “cool girl” job as a journalist, no one will really know what I do, so I might just run an orphanage for stray cats.  I’ll harbor some slightly radical political ideas, write a blog, and shamelessly perform my dorky dance moves in front of crowds on karaoke night.  I’ll lecture you about your shopping addiction and probably tell you hilarious horror stories about my blind first date with “Glenn,” the taxidermist with the handlebar mustache.

Because the greatest part about being a best friend in a movie is that I’ll be allowed to actually be funny.  Leading ladies are rarely allowed to be funny, because people are afraid they’ll lose their “cute factor” or sex appeal.  If a leading lady is supposed to be considered “funny” and “quirky,” the most she can do is accidentally burn mini muffins or get stuck in a telephone booth.  Boring!

But if you’re a straight male, you’re probably thinking this post doesn’t apply to you.  You’re thinking that maybe you shouldn’t cast me as the best friend in the movie of your life, and that maybe you should go with Zach Galifianakis instead.  WRONG!  I could be the best buddy in your buddy cop movie.  You can be the hot one and I’ll be the chubby one in aviator sunglasses. Or maybe your life is a musical.  And instead of being the delicate little blonde soprano you fall in love with, I’ll be the brunette named “Eponine” who’s in love with you and wanders around in the rain singing songs about being in the friend-zone.  (Your life is 'Les Miserables.')

My life is so hard

The fact is, whether or not it’s featured on screen, the best friend in movies must actually have a life of her own.  She’s not a perfect cookie-cutter person, and she doesn’t fall in love with Josh Duhamel, but she has a lot of freedom to do what she wants.  She can make a lot of wisecracks and drink a lot of chardonnay and generally just be a badass supporting character.  So when they make a movie about your life…which they will obviously, inevitably, do... cast me as your best friend.  I promise I won't let you down.


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How to Lose Friends and Isolate People

That’s right: It’s time for a SELF-HELP blog post, where I lift you up, inspire you, and act like I’m somehow totally justified in offering you advice! 

But before you get too excited, you should know that this is different from your standard self-help guide.  First, it doesn’t include any photos of me gazing pensively over the ocean, and second, I’m really just here to teach you how to lose friends and isolate people.  All of the following basic conversation points, especially if used in combination and at maximum frequency, will cause people to “forget” to return your text messages.  It works 100% of the time some of the time.

8 BASIC TIPS FOR LOSING FRIENDS AND ISOLATING PEOPLE:

1.     Assert your intelligence by preaching to others about their television habits. 

Whenever anyone mentions a show they like, just smugly reply, “I don’t believe in television,” or, “Oh, no… I don’t watch reality TV.”  Your subtext should be: I am your superior.

2.     Protest against Facebook in order to seem both social and important.

“I almost never go on Facebook.  I’m such a busy person, I’d rather use what little free time I have to, you know, hang out with real people.”

3.     Health is important.  Make sure your friends know you care about their health by not letting them eat something until you’ve commented on it.

“Look at you, eating a salad!!  Good for you!!”

“Do you have any idea how many chemicals are in that?”

4.     Also, if you’ve ever worked out, you’re completely justified in advising your friends on their fitness regimens.  You’re basically a certified personal trainer.

“You went on a run?  Good for you!!!  So proud of you!!”

“You shouldn’t do that, it’s really bad for your knees.” 

5.     Keep the conversation rolling by never actually allowing your partner to speak.  Interrupt with non sequiturs.

“Guess what!  My sister just adopted a baby fr—”

6.     Show other people you care by attempting to relate to their problems.

Person A:  “I’m really nervous.  The doctor says my EKG and breathing are abnormal, so I have to see a cardiologist.”

Person B:  “I know how you feel.  My dog gets out of breath really easily.  I think maybe there’s something wrong with his heart, too.”

7.     Make factual observations about your friends’ clothing choices, but don’t go so far as to actually compliment them.

Note:  If a girl isn’t wearing makeup, be sure and ask if she’s sick.

8.     Friends help carry each other’s burdens.  It’s important that your friends know that your burdens are heavier than theirs.

Person A:  “I broke my ankle!”

Person B:  “Really?  I have several broken ribs and only one ball.”

The key is to make it clear that you don’t actually care what the other person is saying.  You’re not remotely invested in how they spend their time, feed themselves, or survive the petty tribulations plaguing their meaningless lives.  You just want to hear your own sweet, melodious voice, dripping with condescension, imparting wisdom to lesser vessels.  So these pretentious lines I’ve fashioned for you, these unsolicited, advisory remarks, will flow from your tongue onto the poor, unsuspecting ears of the person who, in .5 seconds, will decide they don’t want to be your friend.  And you will have mastered the art of how to lose friends and isolate people.

PS:  I lied.

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