GOSLING: It's What You Do

Fun fact:  A gosling is a baby goose.

Even More Fun Fact:  A gosling is also a shmexy actor-man named after a baby goose.

And according to the interwebs, "Gosling" is also a family name of English origin.  It's derived from the Germanic given name Gozzelin, which means "little God."  As in... Ryan Godling.  If you google it, you'll find that this, apparently, is the Gosling Arms:

But that just goes to show that you can’t believe everything you read online anymore, because I happen to know for a FACT that THESE are the Gosling Arms:

Hi arms

"What??" you're asking yourself.  "This blog post doesn't even have any writing in it!  What the hell is this?"  

I get it.  That's fair.  Maybe you just came here to read, and for all I know, you might not be attracted to men.  (Looking at these photos will be a good test!)  I ought to explain myself.

There are three main reasons for this blog post:

1. I could potentially be the next Mrs. Gosling, so I should know all about goslings.
2. I haven't been sleeping much and am kind of losing my shit; looking at photos of Ryan Gosling is therapeutic for me.  And--
3. I majored in English Literature in college and genuinely like words, names, and meanings.  I was taught that most words ending in "-ing" are verbs, and am therefore absolutely convinced that "gosling" must be a verb, too.  As in, I've been gosling a lot lately.  I really like to gosle.  Last night, Ryan and I gosled all night long.

So I ask you:  IS gosling a verb?  And if so, can I do it?

Potential definitions for GOSLING:

gosling [goz-ling]

verb

: giggling in the cutest possible way

Example Sentence:  “I made a joke and saw Ryan gosling!"

gosling [goz-ling]

verb

: earnestly pronouncing one's own name

Example Sentence:  “Look at Ryan gosling as a little boy!"

gosling [goz-ling]

verb

: utilizing the slow single blink as a classic tool of seduction

Example Sentence:  “I saw Ryan gosling and blacked out for several seconds.  Now I cannot find my clothes."

gosling [goz-ling]

verb

: showcasing the family jewels

Example Sentence:  “This should be uncomfortable, but instead it's just Ryan gosling."

gosling [goz-ling]

verb

: turning women into creepy cougars

Example Sentence:  “I'm kind of afraid I'm a pervert, but it might just be Ryan gosling."

gosling [goz-ling]

verb

: defending one’s right to be a hipster

 Example Sentence:  "I heard Ryan gosling; turns out he really dislikes mainstream  bands."

gosling [goz-ling]

verb

: inviting others to objectify and possibly molest you… but in a sexy, consensual     way.

Example Sentence:  "How could I resist Ryan gosling?"

gosling [goz-ling]

verb

: congratulating someone on their somewhat gratuitous compilation of Ryan     Gosling GIFs

Example Sentence:  "It may have just been Ryan gosling, but I think he really enjoyed this blog post."

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Go Team Sports and Stuff!

In first or second grade, my school librarian introduced me to a book called Shaq and the Beanstalk, and I remember LOVING it.  I was already a big fan of fairytales, and here was one with a modern twist and a protagonist I could relate to—Shaq was super tall, just like me!  I checked the book out and read it again and again.

A few days later, a boy in my class said his dream was to be like Shaquille O’Neal.  “I know who that is!”  I burst out excitedly.  “The author!”  I had somehow missed that Shaquille O’Neal was a famous basketball player.

Maybe it’s because both my parents are artists, and I grew up never having tasted a buffalo wing.  Maybe it’s that while every other kid in America was playing AYSO, I was singing, dancing, and basically just training to be a Broadway star.  But whatever the reason, I never learned to care about sports.

We never watched the Super Bowl at my house, or any other sporting event, for that matter.  It always confused me that one little game could attract so much attention and excitement.  I’d throw up my hands in exasperation: “The way people are acting, you’d think it was the Tony Awards!”

Hey, sporty people:  Yes, YOU, in the colorful jerseys, tweeting about double faults, no-hitters, and goal line stands:  Do you know how the rest of us live?  Do you know what it’s like to get picked last in gym class and know more about Quidditch than golf?

87% of the time, we have no idea what you’re talking about.  ESPN.com might as well be written in Chinese.  We claim to like going to baseball games, but really we just like peanuts and beer.  We wish “Fantasy Football” was just another name for “Game of Thrones.”

I have so many questions for you, sports fans.  Like, what is a bracket?  Do you use it in tennis?  Why does one minute in football-time actually last much longer?  Are football minutes the equivalent of dog years?  Why do people throw up jazz hands during basketball games?  Why are you so passionate about who wins?  Isn’t Kobe Bryant a rapist?  And also: what is a hockey?

Occasionally I begin to wish I knew more about sports.  I wish I could watch a game on TV with you and do more than occasionally shout “Team!” and “Sport!” and “Balls!” whenever you seem enthusiastic about something.  But as soon as you start trying to explain the rules to me—really, elaborately, explain them—I stop caring, and suddenly have an overwhelming desire to hide under the bowl of bean dip.  Because really, I’ve seen Air Bud and Rocky and Moneyball and Mighty Ducks.  ISN’T THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU?

My dear, darling sports fans, I suppose it’ll just have to be.  And if you can forgive my ignorance and apathy, I’ll excuse you for spamming my Twitter feed with your unbridled passion for athletics.  Like that time thousands of you all started tweeting at once about Larry Bird.  For the record, I’m not totally uninformed and out of the loop: I looked up Larry Bird online.  I know he’s that actor from Space Jam.


For more laughs, don't forget to 'like' Annamal Crackers on Facebook and follow @AnnamalHalligan on Twitter!