Inspiration: How To Achieve Your Dreams!

Think Fast: What’s your favorite quotation? 

If you just answered, “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind,” then congratulations!  I can tell that you’re really socially aware, you read a lot of Gandhi, and that you’re obviously totally original.  But if you weren’t one of the 19% of people who went straight for the eye thing, maybe you’re one of the 27% of people who answered, “Shoot for the moon.  Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.”

Dammit, I need to address something.  If you shoot for the moon and miss, you’re not going to land among the stars.  What with there being no gravity in space and all, you might float around for a while, but chances are you won’t have made it up that high anyway.  You’re probably going to fall and die.

Understand, I don’t have a problem with dreams.  Barack Obama inherited dreams from his father, and now he’s President of the United States.  Justin Bieber never stopped beliebing, and now he gets to record songs with Will Smith’s son.  I just have a problem with inspirational quotations about dreams.  I think that they’re stupid.

“I’m a dreamer.  I have to dream and reach for the stars, and if I miss a star then I grab a handful of clouds.”

MIKE TYSON said that.  Because no one seems to scream “I like fluffy white clouds and eating ears” more than this guy:

Photo: deliberationroom.com

Mike Tyson has also been quoted saying, “I’m on the Zoloft to keep from killing ya’ll.”  He has a professed love of pigeons and is obviously a total softy.

“Man is a genius when he is dreaming.”

-Akira Kurosawa

Woman is a genius when she is not retweeting bullshit about dreams.

“If you can dream it, you can become it."

-William Arthur Ward

I dream of being the next Missy Franklin.  Good thing that’ll happen.

“Dreams do come true, if only we wish hard enough.  You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it."

-J.M. Barrie

I used to love that quote, until I realized that it is MISERABLY SAD.  It reminds me of that time I left my family and friends to go to a boarding school for the arts where I couldn’t eat.  And then my dream still didn’t come true.  Ha!  Haha!  It’s so funny because it’s not funny at all!  It’s just true!  Moving on.

“Good things come to those who wait.”

-Assumedly some bad mom

I think that proverb is supposed to teach patience, but it’s often applied to dreams in a “Someday-My-Prince-Will-Come” sense.  But waiting for good things to happen, or waiting for your dreams to come true, is a TERRIBLE idea.  Working towards them is a good one.

I grew up believing that if I was passionate and driven and strong, I could do anything I wanted with my life.  It was an unfortunate side effect of having really supportive parents and a 1^st grade teacher who believed my love of “Boxcar Children” stories bespoke of unparalleled genius.

But I got tired of dreams not coming true, so I made it my mission to fashion a foolproof method to guarantee that they would:

“I’ve discovered the secret to making all my dreams come true.  The secret is to have really vague dreams."

-Annamal Crackers

Specificity kills dreams.  I just ate a chocolate granola bar, and I enjoyed it.  And you know what?  I have always dreamed of “having enjoyable experiences.”  THAT DREAM CAME TRUE JUST NOW.  It has been my life-long dream to have love in my life.  And guess what?  I have a cat who truly loves me.  BOOM.  Dream achieved.  I dream of good things happening—any good things happening—so that my dreams come true every day. 

“Reach for anything and if anything happens, then you’ll be okay.”

Inspirational.

https://www.facebook.com/AnnamalCrackersBlog

Twitter: @AnnamalHalligan

Humor Ages

When I was a little girl, I remember someone telling me, “Beauty fades… good looks won’t last forever.”  This was probably supposed to teach me that either A.  It’s what’s on the inside that counts or B. I should invest in Botox.  But I’m still not sure why this person felt the need to lend me this truism.  I wasn’t the prettiest child.  It’s almost like they were saying, “Things will never get better for you.”

I understood what they were trying to say, though.  It’s only now that I wonder why no one ever told me that I couldn’t be funny forever, either.

I’m not sure if funny people are born or made, but I don’t think I was born funny.  When I was in preschool, I thought I was hilarious—but then, the answer to every joke I told was, “SPAGHETTI!” as in, “Why did the chicken cross the road?  …SPAGHETTI!”  By the time I was twelve, my sense of humor had developed to its current level, and still no one found me funny.  My now spaghetti-free jokes were met with crickets or the classic “ur weird” response.  … Ah, middle school.

But at some point, people started laughing at the things I said.  Instead of using the word “weird,” to describe me, they started calling me “funny” and “quirky.”  And then it occurred to me: these are the glory days.  It’s a good thing people think I'm funny now, because 20 years from now I will just be considered the most embarrassing mom EVER.  My potential future child (let’s call him Bumbury) will HATE me if I do something like dress up as Justin Bieber and serenade his friends on Halloween.  Bumbury’s friends will go home and tell their parents that they don’t want to go back to Bumbury’s house because Bumbury’s mom is on DRUGS.

But I won’t be on drugs.  I’ll just have aged, and my quirkiness will have turned back into weirdness, and my sarcastic tone will become a cold sort of cynicism that will find me wearing anti-aging cream, holding a martini, and unleashing a long stream of obscenities on Bumbury and friends. 

I have so much to look forward to. 

So the moral of the story is—and this is definitely one I’ll teach Bumbury—that you are going to be ugly one day.  And you are also probably going to stop being funny, unless you’re Betty White.  So you better have something to fall back on besides stories about the glory days when you dressed up as Justin Bieber for Halloween.  And what could that be?  SPAGHETTI!  Just kidding.  I have no idea.

Stay in school, guys.  Stay in school

<3, Biebs