Most Inspirational Graduation Speech Ever

Congratulations, Class of 2013!!!

I made you something in honor of your achievements.

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Cast Me as the Best Friend in the Movie of Your Life

You know how in that movie ‘The Holiday,’ the little old man tells Kate Winslet that she should be the leading lady of her own life?  And she’s all like, “YEAHHH!!  I should!!”

That always hit home for me a little bit, maybe because I don’t think of myself as the leading lady in my own life.  And that’s not depressing for me.  Because I happen to think of myself as a very good supporting character in everyone else’s life.

Which is why I think I should be cast as the best friend in the movie of your life.

A movie best friend is a very specific type, and being that type has both its pitfalls and its perks.  A movie best friend should be less attractive than the leading lady, but should still not be painful to look at for a few hours.  She should be the kind of girl men describe as “cool,” and “funny” versus “hot” or “sexy.”  Guys in bars should playfully punch her on the arm and say, “You’re a real cool girl, you know that?” before turning to buy someone else a drink.

Because a movie best friend should never have an exciting love life of her own.  If your movie is about a 20-something working woman in search of her one true love, you need a best friend who has an untiring ability to listen to you whine.  And when eventually you need her advice, and ask her, “Should I marry Rupert, the dashing British doctor, or Todd, the funny photographer who saved my cat’s life,” she will comfort you in your troubles and not throw a glass of red wine in your face.

That’s the part I’m less excited about.  I can’t promise that I’ll never throw wine in your face, and I might even send you some passive-aggressive text messages if you complain too much.  But a movie best friend gets to do a lot of fun stuff, too, that I think I’d really enjoy.  While you, the leading lady, probably have a “cool girl” job as a journalist, no one will really know what I do, so I might just run an orphanage for stray cats.  I’ll harbor some slightly radical political ideas, write a blog, and shamelessly perform my dorky dance moves in front of crowds on karaoke night.  I’ll lecture you about your shopping addiction and probably tell you hilarious horror stories about my blind first date with “Glenn,” the taxidermist with the handlebar mustache.

Because the greatest part about being a best friend in a movie is that I’ll be allowed to actually be funny.  Leading ladies are rarely allowed to be funny, because people are afraid they’ll lose their “cute factor” or sex appeal.  If a leading lady is supposed to be considered “funny” and “quirky,” the most she can do is accidentally burn mini muffins or get stuck in a telephone booth.  Boring!

But if you’re a straight male, you’re probably thinking this post doesn’t apply to you.  You’re thinking that maybe you shouldn’t cast me as the best friend in the movie of your life, and that maybe you should go with Zach Galifianakis instead.  WRONG!  I could be the best buddy in your buddy cop movie.  You can be the hot one and I’ll be the chubby one in aviator sunglasses. Or maybe your life is a musical.  And instead of being the delicate little blonde soprano you fall in love with, I’ll be the brunette named “Eponine” who’s in love with you and wanders around in the rain singing songs about being in the friend-zone.  (Your life is 'Les Miserables.')

My life is so hard

The fact is, whether or not it’s featured on screen, the best friend in movies must actually have a life of her own.  She’s not a perfect cookie-cutter person, and she doesn’t fall in love with Josh Duhamel, but she has a lot of freedom to do what she wants.  She can make a lot of wisecracks and drink a lot of chardonnay and generally just be a badass supporting character.  So when they make a movie about your life…which they will obviously, inevitably, do... cast me as your best friend.  I promise I won't let you down.


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Facebook: Honest and Uncensored

Honestly, I'm a pretty happy person.  My life has been blessed with opportunities and love, and most of the time, I remember to be grateful.  I never want to take what I have for granted. 

But sometimes that's hard.  Picture this:

It's late at night on a Friday, and I'm home alone.  It's dark and it's cold, because I'm too damn cheap to turn on the heat, and I'm dressed up like a homeless person, cocooned inside a blanket, camped out at my kitchen table.  I stare vacantly at my computer screen.  I stayed in tonight in order to get some work done, but I feel completely uninspired.  I can't focus.  I keep snacking.  I'm bored out of my mind and beginning to flounder in self-pity.  I contemplate the ethical repercussions of stealing my roommate's bottle of wine, but ultimately decide against it.  Feeling sorry for myself, I navigate away from a blank word document and log into Facebook for the umpteenth time tonight.  Resigned to the idea that I won't actually achieve anything this evening, I allow myself to casually drift across the Facebook profiles of friends and acquaintances.  To me, in this moment, all of them look like this:
Click HERE to enlarge picture!

"How can this be?" I wonder as my immobile body slowly molds to the shape of my seat.  "How are their lives so effortlessly perfect, when I am alone, freezing, craving chocolate cake, and stalking them because I have nothing better to do with my sad excuse for a life?"  I relish this moment of tragedy, luxuriating in gloriously gratuitous self-pity, until, of course, I decide to take a look at my own Facebook page.

And believe it or not, it looks exactly like the others.  My Facebook profile does not tell the tale of a sad little girl alone at her kitchen table, it paints the picture of yet another perfect person who is confident, happy, and in control of her life.  Who is that person?  Can I be her?  Because it certainly doesn't feel like me. 

It's not that I--or anybody--actually means to LIE on Facebook.  It's just that we're selective about what we share.  We post news when we're excited or proud, "check-in" to restaurants when we're out celebrating with friends, and post pictures of our most thrilling adventures.  We're self-censoring, to an extent, and grooming our images like self-trained PR professionals.  Facebook isn't an honest depiction of life, it's an idealized snapshot of it.

Which is why I've decided to take one for the team, and really go public with an HONEST, UNCENSORED look at my life.  This is what my Facebook page would look like if it actually represented me:
Click HERE to enlarge picture!

It's a scary idea, being honest, and it's kind of overly personal, too.  You might not want to know that I dress like a homeless person, and I certainly don't want to see forty-five Facebook statuses about your recent break-up.  So I'm not demanding that we all stop censoring ourselves on the Internet.  But I guess I just want you to know that... I don't have my life figured out just yet.  I'm not perfect.  In fact, I'm wildly imperfect, and I'm willing to share that with the world.  Because it's honest.  And honestly, we're all kind of in this together, aren't we?


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Lifestyle Blogging: An Easy, How-To Guide!!

I’ve been surfing the web a lot lately, and I’ve discovered a wonderful new source of inspiration: LIFESTYLE BLOGS!!!  They’re not fashion blogs.  They’re not travel blogs.  They don’t specialize in comedy, politics, or food.  Truth be told, they don’t really specialize in anything—except telling you how to live your life!

Which begs the question: Do YOU have what it takes to be a lifestyle blogger?!?  Because it could be SO MUCH FUN!!!

Ask yourself:

1.     Am I alive?

2.     Do I have at least one working finger, allowing me to type?

3.     Do I have Internet access?

If you answered “Yes” to all three questions, CONGRATULATIONS!  You are 100% qualified to start a lifestyle blog that tells other people how to live their lives.  Think that sounds presumptuous and egotistical?  Think no one really cares what you have to say?  THINK AGAIN. 

You’re about to enlighten people with completely important, original ideas they could NEVER have dreamt up on their own.  For example, if it weren’t for lifestyle blogs, I would never have heard of such things as “green tea” or “springtime.”  I would never have learned how to spend the perfect rainy day (movies and hot chocolate) and I’d have NO IDEA who Ryan Gosling is!!  

 Scared to get started?  DON’T BE!!  :-)  Just go on Pinterest and see what girls are into these days.  Maybe pick a quote by an author you’ve never heard of and ramble about whatever it inspires.  Dish out some juicy metaphors and have FUN! 

…Still struggling?!?  Don’t worry!  Your best gal-pal Annamal is here to make this even easier for you.  Here’s the basic outline for a blog post.  Follow it, and you’ll be a lifestyle guru in no time.

1. Introduce your subject!  Throw in some questions to really engage your audience.  You want them to know that you’re their buddy!  Here’s an example:

My newest obsession is daisies!!!!  Have you guys heard of them?!?  Aside from being so cheerful, bright, and beautiful, they come in tons of glorious hues, and they symbolize new growth!!!

2.  Find a way to relate this back to your life, to make your post meaningful and potent and deep!

I’m so glad that daisies remind me of new growth, because right now, my life is FILLED with new beginnings!!  I’m getting ready to graduate from college, so this is a scary but exciting time for me!!! 

3.  Now begin imparting your infinite wisdom to the lesser vessels reading your blog!

Are you, too, facing changes in your life?  What are you ready to begin?  Challenge yourself to a fresh new lifestyle… as fresh as a daisy, bursting into bloom!!!  LOL!

4.  If you haven’t already, now throw in an inspirational quote superimposed on a pretty picture!  Honestly, the quote doesn’t even have to relate to what you’ve been talking about.  Just having it there will show what an artistic and inspiring human you are, in touch with your reader’s needs.

I don't know where 'somplace' is, but I guess I should go

5.  Keep giving your readers random bits of advice before finding some finagled way to relate it all back to your original idea.

Take on a new goal this spring.  Eat more kale.  Go on long walks.  Take time to meditate daily!  If you dwell on what you’re grateful for, be it your family, Jesus, Greek life, or something else, you will be FILLED with JOY and HAPPINESS and you, like a daisy, will brighten any room!!!  

Good luck, future bloggers!!!  Start spreading inspiration!!  And always remember:  LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE!!!!!!  <3

PS:  Annamal Crackers is now on Pinterest!  Help spread the word by pinning your favorite pics and posts:  http://pinterest.com/annamalblog/ 

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How to Lose Friends and Isolate People

That’s right: It’s time for a SELF-HELP blog post, where I lift you up, inspire you, and act like I’m somehow totally justified in offering you advice! 

But before you get too excited, you should know that this is different from your standard self-help guide.  First, it doesn’t include any photos of me gazing pensively over the ocean, and second, I’m really just here to teach you how to lose friends and isolate people.  All of the following basic conversation points, especially if used in combination and at maximum frequency, will cause people to “forget” to return your text messages.  It works 100% of the time some of the time.

8 BASIC TIPS FOR LOSING FRIENDS AND ISOLATING PEOPLE:

1.     Assert your intelligence by preaching to others about their television habits. 

Whenever anyone mentions a show they like, just smugly reply, “I don’t believe in television,” or, “Oh, no… I don’t watch reality TV.”  Your subtext should be: I am your superior.

2.     Protest against Facebook in order to seem both social and important.

“I almost never go on Facebook.  I’m such a busy person, I’d rather use what little free time I have to, you know, hang out with real people.”

3.     Health is important.  Make sure your friends know you care about their health by not letting them eat something until you’ve commented on it.

“Look at you, eating a salad!!  Good for you!!”

“Do you have any idea how many chemicals are in that?”

4.     Also, if you’ve ever worked out, you’re completely justified in advising your friends on their fitness regimens.  You’re basically a certified personal trainer.

“You went on a run?  Good for you!!!  So proud of you!!”

“You shouldn’t do that, it’s really bad for your knees.” 

5.     Keep the conversation rolling by never actually allowing your partner to speak.  Interrupt with non sequiturs.

“Guess what!  My sister just adopted a baby fr—”

6.     Show other people you care by attempting to relate to their problems.

Person A:  “I’m really nervous.  The doctor says my EKG and breathing are abnormal, so I have to see a cardiologist.”

Person B:  “I know how you feel.  My dog gets out of breath really easily.  I think maybe there’s something wrong with his heart, too.”

7.     Make factual observations about your friends’ clothing choices, but don’t go so far as to actually compliment them.

Note:  If a girl isn’t wearing makeup, be sure and ask if she’s sick.

8.     Friends help carry each other’s burdens.  It’s important that your friends know that your burdens are heavier than theirs.

Person A:  “I broke my ankle!”

Person B:  “Really?  I have several broken ribs and only one ball.”

The key is to make it clear that you don’t actually care what the other person is saying.  You’re not remotely invested in how they spend their time, feed themselves, or survive the petty tribulations plaguing their meaningless lives.  You just want to hear your own sweet, melodious voice, dripping with condescension, imparting wisdom to lesser vessels.  So these pretentious lines I’ve fashioned for you, these unsolicited, advisory remarks, will flow from your tongue onto the poor, unsuspecting ears of the person who, in .5 seconds, will decide they don’t want to be your friend.  And you will have mastered the art of how to lose friends and isolate people.

PS:  I lied.

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My Froyo Brings All the Boys to the Yard

Why do all frozen yogurt shops have such ridiculous names?  Based on some pre-existing knowledge and extensive Google research, I have found that “Frutti Yogi,” “Cherry Berry,” and “Swirlicious” all actually exist, to name a few.  There’s even a frozen yogurt place called “Dream Cream.”  Seriously. 

Why do they do this to themselves?  It’s like they’re putting signs in their windows that say “Hey, don’t respect our frozen dairy treats.”  And such was the case at Bubbly Penguin Frozen Yogurt.

You see, I know this because I worked at Bubbly Penguin for exactly six weeks during high school.  Why only six weeks, you ask?  Well, until now, I’ve always told people that I quit because I wasn’t built for hard manual labor.  But that’s not exactly the truth…

I learned two things during my tenure at Bubbly Penguin: how to meticulously swirl frozen yogurt into a perfect eight-ounce mound, and how to become invisible.  I’d be standing at the register in my matching apron and visor, stripped of my humanity, when a gaggle of kids from my high school would pop through the door.  “Hi!  Welcome to Bubbly Penguin!  How are you today?”  I’d inquire.  “Small chocolate with strawberries,” would come the reply.  A visor is an invisibility cloak for Muggles.

Nevertheless, talking to customers was actually the best part of the job—because the rest of my pastel pink work environment was terrifying.  There were secret hidden cameras on the walls, and I constantly felt like I was being watched.  The phone would ring, and I’d answer it to a deep and gravelly voice saying,  “Stop touching your hair.”  Then, the line would go dead.

My boss exacerbated the situation, because I was always vaguely afraid he wanted to murder me.  He was a large, hulking man, weighing approximately 300 pounds of pure froyo gooiness, and he was always inexplicably soaking wet.  He tried to be a “cool boss,” ordering pizzas and inviting all the female workers over to his home, but every time I looked at him, I could only ever imagine him hacking me to little pieces with an axe and shoving me in the freezer next to the smoothie supplies.  He often reminded his employees to avoid teenage pregnancy, and he once advised me that I should “tastefully display the titties” more often.  

Here's a photo I took of him one day at work.

Needless to say, we never really became friends.  Instead, he wheezily threatened to fire me for “not invitin’ the customer to return,” and forced me to work alone with him long past closing time.  He would tell me odd, fantastical lies about his life in intricate detail, and then, while slowly slipping small cubes of moist banana into his mouth, would stare at me and say, “You an’ me are the same person.”  The day I finally got fed up and quit, he told the other employees I’d been working there for two years and was the first person he’d ever hired.  I remember being terrified that he was going to cry.

So why did I quit Bubbly Penguin after only six weeks?  Officially it was because I wanted to direct a play, and scheduling rehearsals around work shifts was too difficult.  But there may have been some other contributing factors.

Epilogue:  For those of you concerned about the implications of sexual harassment in this story, you should know that my boss was eventually fired for that very reason.  Someone else must have gotten fed up with his “mango” jokes.

Disclaimer:  The place wasn’t actually called “Bubbly Penguin Frozen Yogurt,” but I’m trying to not be sued.  Its name really was stupid, though.

PS:  I still possess the keen wrist technique for preparing perfectly swirled frozen yogurt, so if you take me to Yogurtland sometime, I’ll happily prepare your froyo for you.


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My Own Worst Frenemy

This is not going to be some condescending blog post where I chastise girls for being catty to one other.  I’m not going to sit here and be like, “Hey girls, what’s up with you being mean to each another?  Let’s celebrate our womanhood!”  First of all, you know girls can be bitchy.  I know girls can be bitchy.  And we’re all on the same page about “frenemies.”

I first became aware of the term “frenemy” in the early days of frozen yogurt, when Paris Hilton was still famous and the soundtrack to my life was “Music from The O.C. Mix 1.”  Frenemies are manipulative, competitive, passive-aggressive poison that we, for whatever reason, voluntarily chat with over salad lunches.  We listen as they make subtly nasty remarks on our love lives, haircuts, and workout regimens, and then we gossip about them to our other friends, who tell us, “They’re just jealous.”  

And it's true!  They ARE just jealous!  I know this, because I used to be a competetive, passive-aggressive frenemy, and it was always inevitably because of some horribly unjustified jealousy.

In second grade, my friend Lena and I would argue over which one of us loved animals more.  We competed to see who could buy the most kitten sticker books, subscribe to the most wildlife magazines, and draw the most accurate representations of lemurs.  We had daily in-class writing assignments, which we somehow got away with writing exclusively about animals.  The question would be, "What's your favorite food?"  And I'd respond, "I like dessert.  Horses also like sugar.  So do hummingbirds.  I like animals."  After a certain point, the things I wrote weren't even true anymore.  I just had this weird, desperate need to prove to Lena that I loved animals just as much as she did.  If Lena stopped eating meat, I'd (pretend to) stop eating meat, too.  And then I'd march over to the library to check out Puppies in the Pantry for the umpteenth time.

I drew this Lemur.

It was seemingly innocent, but in retrospect, I see that Lena was my first frenemy.  Later in life, she became a vegan and flew to Africa to become a surrogate mother to endangered baby monkeys.  I don't think it was ever a competition for her.  I think she just genuinely loved animals.  She won. 

Fourth through seventh grade were marked by conversations like this one:

FRIEND:  Why are you hanging out with that weird new girl?

ANNA:  Maybe because she's a better friend than you!!

Then, in eighth grade, I met Lexxi.  She might have spelled her name like a porn star, but she excelled in everything that was important to a thirteen-year-old.  She was super outdoorsy and athletic, had stunningly long, blonde hair, and she actually knew how to make eye contact with boys.  Lexxi and I sat next to each other in class, and every day we would stealthily pass notes to each other that said things like, "I LUV U!!!" and "ANNA <3s LEXXI!"

Nevertheless, most of our conversations went something like this:

LEXXI:  Anna, everyone says your bangs are weird and curly, but I think you look fine.

ANNA:  Thanks, Lex!  Tell me--is your hair wet?  Or is that gel?

LEXXI:  It's gel.  I know you like frizzy hair, but I don't.

ANNA:  My hair's just really, really thick.  You wouldn't understand.

Fortunately, I outgrew this competitive, passive-aggressive streak.  Either that, or the horror of high school just trained me into passive, non-confrontational submission.  My high school was like a massive, menacing, reality weight-loss competition that the popular kids always won.  Like at most large public schools in Southern California, mean, manipulative girls dominated the social sphere, and Disney Channel stars experimented with drugs in the bathroom.  If I had a nickel for every time someone made fun of my weight or concocted a nasty rumor about me, I'd have, like... a couple of dollars.  I primarily survived through chameleon-esque anonymity and a tendency to disappear at lunchtime.  I have now reached the point where I would rather harbor a secret resentment for someone for the rest of my life than actually talk to them about an issue or make passive-aggressive remarks.  It's definitely super productive and healthy.

Nevertheless, I do still say snotty things to my roommates about their terrible taste in television (sorry).  I also have a tendency to fake-hug the people I run into from high school--even the ones who didn't like me because I was "too happy."  But I try not to be a jerk, and I try to be a kind, supportive friend, because the truth is, I genuinely love the people in my life.

...Except for Lexxi.  She's married now.  She probably just wanted to be the first one to do it.  In fact, she probably got married just to personally spite me.  Maybe she was pregnant. 

Just kidding.  I'm a lovely person.

Just kidding.  "Lexxi" really does sound like a porn star name.

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