Running on Empty

Question for you, team:  Why do so many characters in movies like to run?  It makes no sense to me.  How many screenwriters run, ever?  I’m tired of Jessica Biel’s calves silently mocking me.  I want fewer movies about hot people running, and more movies about plump cat-owners drinking orange soda and reading the Huffington Post.  Montages of urban singles sprinting through Central Park don’t inspire me; they make me feel terrible about my sad little wheezy life.

But earlier this year, I decided to become a runner.

I’m not sure what provoked this decision—probably the hot people in movies, along with my deeply neurotic, potentially masochistic need to succeed even at things I dislike.  I started jogging several times per week.

RIDDLE ME THIS: How long does it take for running to become easier?  Better question:  When will smug bastards stop LYING by SAYING it becomes easier??  I strongly suspect that every person who says they like running is lying.  I secretly believe they’re conspiring against people like me, and laughing at me as I flop in place on the elliptical.

Nevertheless, I do acknowledge that running has its perks.  When you’re running and you see someone you know, you can pretend that they’re impressed by how fit and motivated you are.  (They don’t have to know if all you did was run to the end of your block and home again.)  Another perk: you feel good about yourself!  Like, “Look at me go, I’m the new Jennifer Aniston!  I’m going to celebrate by drinking Smart Water!”

But me being me, I don’t go very far, I never go very fast, and I’m always vaguely worried that my knees and/or lungs will give out and I’ll end up writhing on the concrete vomiting blood.  (Sorry.)  So this summer, partially because of the heat, and partially because I decided I didn’t hate myself, I got a gym membership and stopped running outside. 

It is awesome.  I go to one of those all female gyms, where if a male mechanic is hired to fix something, you hear an announcement:  “Greetings and attention, ladies: A MAN is entering the premises!  A MAN is HERE!!!  BEWARE!!!!!!!  Namaste.” And in this safe haven of 90’s pop music, I can roll in looking like Michelle Rodriguez without makeup, and no one cares to judge me.

Anyway, that’s how I feel about running.  If jogging works for you, then great, even though you’re probably lying.  Nevertheless, I’ll still keep trying to become a good runner, if only so I can tell people about it on Twitter: 

“Ending the day with a long run to clear my head. Feels so good!”   

…Liar.