In first or second grade, my school librarian introduced me to a book called Shaq and the Beanstalk, and I remember LOVING it. I was already a big fan of fairytales, and here was one with a modern twist and a protagonist I could relate to—Shaq was super tall, just like me! I checked the book out and read it again and again.
A few days later, a boy in my class said his dream was to be like Shaquille O’Neal. “I know who that is!” I burst out excitedly. “The author!” I had somehow missed that Shaquille O’Neal was a famous basketball player.
Maybe it’s because both my parents are artists, and I grew up never having tasted a buffalo wing. Maybe it’s that while every other kid in America was playing AYSO, I was singing, dancing, and basically just training to be a Broadway star. But whatever the reason, I never learned to care about sports.
We never watched the Super Bowl at my house, or any other sporting event, for that matter. It always confused me that one little game could attract so much attention and excitement. I’d throw up my hands in exasperation: “The way people are acting, you’d think it was the Tony Awards!”
Hey, sporty people: Yes, YOU, in the colorful jerseys, tweeting about double faults, no-hitters, and goal line stands: Do you know how the rest of us live? Do you know what it’s like to get picked last in gym class and know more about Quidditch than golf?
87% of the time, we have no idea what you’re talking about. ESPN.com might as well be written in Chinese. We claim to like going to baseball games, but really we just like peanuts and beer. We wish “Fantasy Football” was just another name for “Game of Thrones.”
I have so many questions for you, sports fans. Like, what is a bracket? Do you use it in tennis? Why does one minute in football-time actually last much longer? Are football minutes the equivalent of dog years? Why do people throw up jazz hands during basketball games? Why are you so passionate about who wins? Isn’t Kobe Bryant a rapist? And also: what is a hockey?
Occasionally I begin to wish I knew more about sports. I wish I could watch a game on TV with you and do more than occasionally shout “Team!” and “Sport!” and “Balls!” whenever you seem enthusiastic about something. But as soon as you start trying to explain the rules to me—really, elaborately, explain them—I stop caring, and suddenly have an overwhelming desire to hide under the bowl of bean dip. Because really, I’ve seen Air Bud and Rocky and Moneyball and Mighty Ducks. ISN’T THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU?
My dear, darling sports fans, I suppose it’ll just have to be. And if you can forgive my ignorance and apathy, I’ll excuse you for spamming my Twitter feed with your unbridled passion for athletics. Like that time thousands of you all started tweeting at once about Larry Bird. For the record, I’m not totally uninformed and out of the loop: I looked up Larry Bird online. I know he’s that actor from Space Jam.
For more laughs, don't forget to 'like' Annamal Crackers on Facebook and follow @AnnamalHalligan on Twitter!
A few days later, a boy in my class said his dream was to be like Shaquille O’Neal. “I know who that is!” I burst out excitedly. “The author!” I had somehow missed that Shaquille O’Neal was a famous basketball player.
Maybe it’s because both my parents are artists, and I grew up never having tasted a buffalo wing. Maybe it’s that while every other kid in America was playing AYSO, I was singing, dancing, and basically just training to be a Broadway star. But whatever the reason, I never learned to care about sports.
We never watched the Super Bowl at my house, or any other sporting event, for that matter. It always confused me that one little game could attract so much attention and excitement. I’d throw up my hands in exasperation: “The way people are acting, you’d think it was the Tony Awards!”
Hey, sporty people: Yes, YOU, in the colorful jerseys, tweeting about double faults, no-hitters, and goal line stands: Do you know how the rest of us live? Do you know what it’s like to get picked last in gym class and know more about Quidditch than golf?
87% of the time, we have no idea what you’re talking about. ESPN.com might as well be written in Chinese. We claim to like going to baseball games, but really we just like peanuts and beer. We wish “Fantasy Football” was just another name for “Game of Thrones.”
I have so many questions for you, sports fans. Like, what is a bracket? Do you use it in tennis? Why does one minute in football-time actually last much longer? Are football minutes the equivalent of dog years? Why do people throw up jazz hands during basketball games? Why are you so passionate about who wins? Isn’t Kobe Bryant a rapist? And also: what is a hockey?
Occasionally I begin to wish I knew more about sports. I wish I could watch a game on TV with you and do more than occasionally shout “Team!” and “Sport!” and “Balls!” whenever you seem enthusiastic about something. But as soon as you start trying to explain the rules to me—really, elaborately, explain them—I stop caring, and suddenly have an overwhelming desire to hide under the bowl of bean dip. Because really, I’ve seen Air Bud and Rocky and Moneyball and Mighty Ducks. ISN’T THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU?
My dear, darling sports fans, I suppose it’ll just have to be. And if you can forgive my ignorance and apathy, I’ll excuse you for spamming my Twitter feed with your unbridled passion for athletics. Like that time thousands of you all started tweeting at once about Larry Bird. For the record, I’m not totally uninformed and out of the loop: I looked up Larry Bird online. I know he’s that actor from Space Jam.
For more laughs, don't forget to 'like' Annamal Crackers on Facebook and follow @AnnamalHalligan on Twitter!
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