That’s right: It’s time for a SELF-HELP blog post, where I
lift you up, inspire you, and act like I’m somehow totally justified in
offering you advice!
But before you get too excited, you should know that this is
different from your standard self-help guide.
First, it doesn’t include any photos of me gazing pensively over the
ocean, and second, I’m really just here to teach you how to lose friends and
isolate people. All of the following basic conversation
points, especially if used in combination and at maximum frequency, will cause people
to “forget” to return your text messages.
It works 100% of the time some of the time.
8 BASIC TIPS FOR LOSING FRIENDS AND ISOLATING PEOPLE:
1. Assert
your intelligence by preaching to others about their television habits.
Whenever anyone mentions a show they like,
just smugly reply, “I don’t believe in television,” or, “Oh, no… I don’t watch
reality TV.” Your subtext should be: I am your superior.
2. Protest
against Facebook in order to seem both social and important.
“I almost never go on Facebook. I’m such a busy person, I’d rather use what
little free time I have to, you know, hang out with real people.”
3. Health
is important. Make sure your friends
know you care about their health by not letting them eat something until you’ve
commented on it.
“Look at you, eating a salad!! Good for you!!”
“Do you have any idea how many chemicals are
in that?”
4. Also,
if you’ve ever worked out, you’re completely justified in advising your friends
on their fitness regimens. You’re
basically a certified personal trainer.
“You went on a run? Good for you!!! So proud of you!!”
“You shouldn’t do that, it’s really bad for
your knees.”
5. Keep
the conversation rolling by never actually allowing your partner to speak. Interrupt with non sequiturs.
“Guess what!
My sister just adopted a baby fr—”
6. Show
other people you care by attempting to relate to their problems.
Person A:
“I’m really nervous. The doctor
says my EKG and breathing are abnormal, so I have to see a cardiologist.”
Person B:
“I know how you feel. My dog gets
out of breath really easily. I think maybe
there’s something wrong with his heart, too.”
7. Make
factual observations about your friends’ clothing choices, but don’t go so far
as to actually compliment them.
Note: If a girl isn’t wearing makeup, be sure and
ask if she’s sick.
8. Friends
help carry each other’s burdens. It’s
important that your friends know that your burdens are heavier than theirs.
Person A:
“I broke my ankle!”
Person B:
“Really? I have several broken
ribs and only one ball.”
The key is to make it clear that you don’t actually care
what the other person is saying. You’re
not remotely invested in how they spend their time, feed themselves, or survive
the petty tribulations plaguing their meaningless lives. You just want to hear your own sweet,
melodious voice, dripping with condescension, imparting wisdom to lesser
vessels. So these pretentious lines I’ve
fashioned for you, these unsolicited, advisory remarks, will flow from your
tongue onto the poor, unsuspecting ears of the person who, in .5 seconds, will
decide they don’t want to be your friend.
And you will have mastered the art of how to lose friends and isolate
people.
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| PS: I lied. |
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